Mental Health

The 4 Horsemen That Can Predict the End of Relationships

By Dynne C. | Update Date: Feb 14, 2024 01:41 AM EST

Relationships are complex entities influenced by several factors, ranging from communication styles to individual personalities. 

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and researcher in the field of relationships, introduced the concept of the "Four Horsemen" as a critical predictor of relationship failure. These four indicators include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. 

Gottman's extensive research has shown that the presence of these behaviors in a relationship can significantly increase the likelihood of it ending. 

Recognizing and addressing these patterns early on can help people build the foundation for long-term success and happiness in a relationship.

1. Criticism

Criticism involves attacking a partner's character rather than addressing a specific behavior. For example, saying, "You never listen to me," instead of, "I feel unheard when we argue." It goes beyond simple dissatisfaction with actions and results in insulting statements about their personality. 

Whether it involves nitpicking over minor flaws or delivering harsh judgments, constant criticism can lead to defensiveness and resentment, which destroy the foundation of trust and intimacy in a relationship.

2. Contempt

Contempt is a toxic blend of resentment, superiority, and disgust. It often manifests through sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery, or insults. When contempt becomes prevalent in a relationship, it damages the emotional bond between partners, creating an environment of hostility and disrespect

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a natural response to criticism or perceived attacks. However, when one or both partners consistently deflect responsibility and refuse to take accountability for their actions, it prevents constructive communication and problem-solving. Over time, defensiveness can escalate conflicts and hinder relationship growth

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from interactions and emotionally shuts down. This behavior is often triggered by feeling overwhelmed or flooded during conflicts. While stonewalling may provide temporary relief from stress, it ultimately blocks meaningful connection and resolution, leaving the other partner feeling dismissed and abandoned.  

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