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Are You Afraid of Commitments? It may not be that Bad

Update Date: Jan 07, 2013 08:13 AM EST

If you have broken out of too many relationships just within 3 months or so, this may have made you wonder if you have commitment issues. A lot of people do not even realize this pattern that they are stuck in. By the time they start knowing the other person, they would have already created a big row and broken off the relationship. But does that necessarily mean that he/she has commitment issues? Well, maybe or maybe not.

Dr. Petra Boynton, a social psychologist and sex researcher working in International Health Care at University College London, writes in The Telegraph that when we meet someone, it takes some time before we get to know them, and at that time we are still deciding if we are right for each other or not. So it could be that you are still just meeting people and haven't really come across anything that suits you or them.

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This act of moving on too quickly may be frustrating for those looking for long-term relationships, but it can be made better by framing it for yourself as not settling for something that's not right for you.

Many times we end up choosing people who are not right for us. We may have done so because we made our choices based on people's looks, income, occupation etc. Or, it could be that they are not looking out for a long-term relationship while we are.

While many things could call for the end of a relationship, sometimes even the fear of rejection, anxiety about commitment, problems from past experiences, or unrealistic expectations about what relationships are, could also lead you to end things, Boynton says.

She further says that one must always keep in mind that the idea of 'the one' is a myth and that also, the idea of finding the 'right' one is not easy.

Boynton assures that there is nothing wrong in being selective, even though sometimes it is wiser not to date for a while when you give time to yourself to figure out what exactly it is that you are looking for in a partner and what it is that you have to offer.

She says the following commonly asked relationships questions (via my friends at the Kinsey Institute) could be useful for people to reflect on their situation.

"Thinking about how your relationships ended may also be worthwhile. Did you regret any of the decisions you've made? What triggered you to end things? Is there a pattern that might be attributed to the type of person you're dating (meaning they're not right for you) or one where you are being triggered by something to end things?"

She suggests that one may want to consider visiting a counselor, who could perhaps help identify the blocking or may be visit your GP if this is causing you distress.

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